7 Myths About Singleness is an outstanding book that would benefit far more than just the single person. It brings to light many subtle lies that we as a society and culture believe, assumptions that have been apart of my life and vocabulary since I knew what a relationship was.
The words of the author prompted a lot of contemplation and re-defining what singleness is and what it isn’t, and brought up some misconceptions that I’ve pretty much had my whole life.
A little bit about me – I’ve never dated anyone. No boyfriends, no dates, no nothing. As you can hopefully imagine, it’s been one of the bigger things God has used to sanctify and refine me. It’s tough, and there’s no denying that we as humans we’re created for relationship. However, as fallen humans, we often seek that in the wrong ways. And it’s this reason that Paul says, “those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.” (1 Corinthians 7:28).
I wish someone would have told middle school me that.
There is beauty in both singleness and marriage. There is hardship in both singleness and marriage. There is refinement, sanctification, and opportunity to bring glory to our Heavenly Father. We cannot compare, “the downs of singleness to the ups of marriage” and vice versa (Allberry, 25). However, the most beauty is found in Christ himself. And unfortunately, no matter how good it was in the Garden, this fallen world cannot sustain the perfection that is required for the fulfilling relationship that God designed, that will be fulfilled when we are wholly united to Him for eternity.
In this book, Allberry debunks the myth that singleness is just too hard for us. That we miss out on intimacy, community, and relationship that comes with marriage. I think it’s important to maintain balance in thinking about God’s good design of his creation, but in Him alone is perfection found. In the beginning, God gave Adam a wife, and it was very good. She was his helper, and it was very good. But when sin entered the world, these things were not very good anymore. So being in relationship is hard now. It takes effort, time, and I think a lot of married people would agree that it is trying and sanctifying. That is what Paul wants to spare us of. Singleness spares us of a lot of hardship. Yes, singleness can also be accompanied by hardship. But just as married people work through the adversity, singles can as well.
Another myth that Allberry tackles is that singleness requires a special calling. I know we’ve all heard the phrase, “the gift of singleness”and it’s usually prefaced by “They have” or “I don’t have.” I’ve heard it numerous times, and I’ve said it even more times. What Allberry gets at in the chapter, and what was revealed to me, is that when I use that phrase, “gift of singleness” what I am actually saying that they have some special capacity to cope with singleness. And if singleness requires this special calling in order to bear it, then it must be pretty bad, right? This little phrase writes off so much about singleness and it’s intrinsic goodness. Our God is not like our extended Aunt who just gave us oven mitts for Christmas. He only gives good gifts, and if singleness is one of those then it is in fact a good gift – one that does not require some sort of superpower in order to cope with. Another thing this phrase permits is not pursuing contentment in Christ. I excuse my worldly, fleshly, sinful desires when I say, “well I just don’t have the gift of singleness.” I allow myself to continue putting this desire before Christ instead of digging to the root of my discontent.
The point Allberry makes that really hit home for me was explaining how Paul actually uses the word “gift” and how it doesn’t align with my use of it in the phrase, “I don’t have the gift of singleness.” Tim Keller states, “In his writings, Paul always uses the word “gift” to mean an ability God gives to build others up. Paul is not speaking … of some kind of elusive, stress-free state.” However, the way Paul is not speaking of the word gift is exactly how I use it in regards to singleness. I feel that I do not have this gift because I am not in this “elusive, stress-free state” while single. But isn’t it wonderful that God’s gifts are not contingent on my ever-changing human emotions? Wouldn’t it be a disaster if they were? Gifts are good because they allow us to build up the church. Just as our pastor’s gift of speaking is good because it allows him to speak the gospel clearly to his congregation, my gift of singleness is good because it gives me so much time to pour into my church and church family.
And what really dug deep into my ever discontented heart, written in the first few pages of this book, was this: Whatever we struggle with in the midst of singleness was nothing that Jesus himself did not subject himself to during his time on earth. Yes, the life that we strive to live yet will always fail to do so, the footsteps that we seek to follow yet misstep daily; the perfect and complete life of Jesus was lived out as a single man. Would we dare follow that with the idea that marriage is necessary to living a full and complete life?
Of course not.
Yet here we are. Here I am. Feeling incomplete and empty without this thing that Jesus did without. But thank goodness that is not the point of the Bible. Praise God that Jesus did something far greater than to make a point about singleness and marriage. He came to redeem his people. To make a way for us to spend eternal life with him, where there will be neither singleness nor marriage, but only wonderful, holy, and complete communion with our Heavenly Father.
Just as Jesus lived a life pointed to and defined by something far greater than singleness, I hope that we can do the same. I pray that in the refining, in the hardship, in the sadness, I look to Christ. I look to his goodness, his grace, and his will for me that is far greater than what I could do for myself. Allberry concludes the book with Psalm 23:6, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me / all the days of my life.” No matter how hard singleness may be, no matter how hard marriage may be, goodness and grace are going to pursue me, be after me, and never leave me for all of my days. That is a promise that is far more beautiful than anything I could deserve, and I can say it and rejoice.